Friday, March 21, 2014

Fuck diverticulitis

I nursed my babies for the last time this morning.

And I am feeling broken. And incredibly sad. And angry. Very, very angry. 

I started having abdominal pain in the mornings on Sunday, but by Wednesday, it was lasting all day and getting worse by the hour. Wednesday night I had to leave the wee folk with The Barbarian and escape to the guest bed, where little knees and feet weren't bumping into my belly, and where the softer bed cradled my poor, painful midsection a bit more gently. 

Not being a fan of going to the doctor in the slightest, I had finally caved at The Barbarian's insistence and made an appointment Wednesday afternoon for Thursday morning. Nana Banana came and stayed with The Goblin Queen and King Toad Agooga while I went, and having gone over the symptoms with Dr. Google, I wasn't entirely surprised when, after the exam, the nurse practitioner suggested diverticulitis as the cause of my extreme discomfort. What did come as a shock, though, was the pronouncement, after she conferred with several colleagues and researched for 15 minutes in an attempt to come up with a better solution, that there was absolutely no way around taking two specific antibiotics, neither of which are okay to take while nursing.

Ummm, I'm sorry. WHAT? I have some random, surprise infection, and I just have to STOP nursing? Just like that? Not over the course of a week or two...or even a few days? Just...immediately? Immediately stop nursing two toddlers, to whom I won't really even be able to explain what's happening or why? Immediately stop nursing two toddlers who depend on nursing to go to sleep? Immediately stop nursing two toddlers or forgo treatment and most likely land in the hospital and potentially need surgery? What the actual fuck?    

The only other option I had, then, was to pump and dump the milk for at least 10 days (and probably longer to make sure it was all out of my system) in order to keep my supply while I simultaneously weaned my children COLD TURKEY in the interim. At first I thought I could handle that, but as I waited the remainder of yesterday and overnight for the lab results (I wanted to be absolutely certain I did, indeed, have diverticulitis before beginning the antibiotics, even though she was almost positive of the diagnosis and urged me to start them as soon as possible), I really struggled with whether I was willing and prepared to do that. 

TGQ and KTA still nurse/d frequently--like way more than many toddlers their age. Only for the past couple of weeks have they gotten used to not nursing from after the time they fall asleep at night till about 4:30am. Other than that stretch, they're generally nursing every 1-2 hours still and for the entirety of their nap. So going from that to nothing is going to be extremely challenging. On ALL of us. Add to that me stealing away several times a day to pump? Because I sure as hell can't do it in front of them. And add to that the fact that I HATE PUMPING? Like SO MUCH. I hardly ever even pumped when they were younger so others could give them bottles (we were all on the same page, though--they hated bottles as much as I hated pumping). And then what happens when we start up again in a couple of weeks? What happens if they become even more obsessed than they are/were with it now/before? I seriously couldn't handle that. Or what if I go through all that pumping and dumping and they decide they're just done anyway? No thanks, Mama. We're good. DUDE. Dude. 

Do I want to wean my children right now, at 19 months, when I had every intention of nursing them for two years? NO. No, I do not. Do I want to wean them coldfuckingturkey? NO. I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT. But those labs came back this morning and they were NOT good. I had no option but to start some hardcore antibiotics immediately. And I just... I just don't think I have it in me to pump for the next couple of weeks. And that devastates me. Completely and wholly DEVASTATES me. 

I wanted weaning to be on OUR terms in OUR time. BUT, if I am being totally honest...a large part of me is feeling very, very done nursing two toddlers. Toddlers are generally extremely abusive of the boobie privilege, and mine are no different. Their nursing manners are atrocious. They are downright OBNOXIOUS about it sometimes. Our sessions often end these days with me abruptly announcing we're ALL DONE, swatting them away, and jumping up in exasperation. Seriously. But to never again have them snuggle in close to nurse in utter contentment, one tucked cosily under each arm, falling asleep peacefully that way when they're tired, the way they have for the overwhelming majority of their sleeps thus far in their tiny little lives? Am I ready to give that up today

No. I'm not. 

But I did.

I nursed my babies for the last time this morning.

Fuck diverticulitis. 


  1. Dearest Mama Keri, my heart rides with yours. Fuck weaning. Fuck pumping. Fuck cold turkey. Fuck diverticulitis. Fuck parenthood never going as planned! … Keep on rockin’, sister. New and peaceful adventures in boobie-free sleep and snuggling await you all on the other side of this crazy, warbled rainbow. Love much.

    1. Oh, Deneene. *sniff* Thank you for this. It means so much to me to know we have other sister mamas (that only sounds slightly weird...) out there rooting for us. Crazy, warbled rainbow, indeed! Love back.