Yep, I still suck at this

So we have this new setup around these parts, wherein the iMac has been moved from the office (which is now simply the guest room) to the kitchen, to make it more of a "family" computer, as The Barbarian has insisted upon. I was hesitant at first, partly because I was convinced he actually liked it in the office so he had an excuse to go hide and do whatever it is barbarians do on computers. But apparently that was extremely unfair of me because we ALL love the new arrangement. He can now do whatever it is barbarians do on the computer while still hanging out with us, it's now easier to control the music we listen to and shows we watch via the Apple TV, we now have music in the kitchen (my life has clearly been lacking, it's true), and, it just dawned on me today, that this will probably make it easier to write and blog. The Barbarian. He wins, I tell you.

When I had a chance the other day, I popped on to look at the sad, sorry state of my blog and couldn't help but notice the two separate attempts I've made since the 3rd of November to actually explain and atone for my lack of blogging since then. And those two drafts don't even begin to cover the countless other posts I've started in my head over the past few months. Sigh. It's been a long winter. So instead of trying to sum up all of my justifications (read: EXCUSES) for not blogging since November, I'll just insert the first of those drafts, dated the 23rd of November, and we'll go from there:

"SO.

Remember that whole thing wherein I was going to post to my blog every single day during the month of November? Well, I haven't done that.

DID YOU NOTICE?

Maybe. Maybe not. But really, I haven't. Not since the 3rd. And seeing as today is the 23rd, that's a whole lotta days that I neglected to do that. Basically the entire month. So maybe I should have just vowed NOT to post the entire month of November. That would have been way more realistic. Must remember that for next time.

At first I was a wee bit embarrassed. Just a tad. It takes a lot to really embarrass me, and this didn't completely qualify as something that might cause full out embarrassment, but it did bum me out. I actually really wanted to post to my blog every day for a month--or longer. I had grand visions for the topics I would cover and the inaneness I would offer the internets all month. But, alas.

The basic fact is that I am tired. I am exhausted. I am so ridonculously weary, I have essentially just been going to bed early with the beebs every night since that last post. And seeing as the hour or two I can steal after they're asleep for the night (which makes it sound like they sleep all night...HAH!) is the only real time I have to write, I completely forfeit that opportunity if I just crash out with them. And please believe me when I say that I truly want that time to myself, especially to write. So then also please believe that I am THAT tired that getting back up out of bed for even an hour just does not in any reality that exists sound like something I can physically undertake. That is, until tonight. Not sure what the winning formula was, but I'll take it.

And yes, the sheer exhaustion of raising twins at this stage works like that. Some days I surprise myself with my level of energy and optimism and the tasks I'm able to check off my never-ending to-do list. Other days I feel especially accomplished if I actually cook meals for my children instead of just sprinkling some variety of cheese, crackers, and fruit on their little table at regular intervals. And many days I find myself just sitting on the couch, nursing. Nursing, nursing, nursing. All the livelong day. Which is easier than working on the railroad, but no less tedious. I think. Having never worked on an actual railroad. Brio ones, yes. But that's a different world entirely. I think.

Anyway. Seriously. The nursing. From the mamas I've been in contact with who still nurse generally on demand at this stage (and in the grand scheme of things, there aren't many of us), this is completely normal. And I believe it."

So there you have it. Clearly the "winning formula" that night wasn't all that winning after all, and clearly things are a bit different around here now...but really, not that different. I am still going to bed with the beebs the vast majority of nights, and I am still mostly too exhausted to get back up once they're asleep. We are still nursing A LOT during the day (and night), and I have decidedly mixed feelings about that.

But there is one major change, and that's that I am ready for a change. They're 18 months old now (HOLYFUCKINGCRAP) and aren't really babies anymore. Clearly the choices we've made in parenting are what's led to the current situation, and all in all, we're completely happy with those choices. We're happy because we have happy, healthy toddlers whose needs are always met and who are respected as their own people at their own, specific level of development. And it shows. They are beloved of all, if I do say so myself.

However, there have been sacrifices for that, and most of those have come, naturally, from my corner. My time, my sleep, my energy, my body, my relationship with The Barbarian. And as the old adage goes, if mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy. Or something like that.

So change is coming. We're (finally...again...) on the road to night-weaning, and will work on encouraging them to sleep on their own for nap as well. Losing out on the possibility of a couple of hours to myself every day is definitely wearing. I literally have zero time to myself, and that...well, that situation is not. tenable. anymore. I'm absolutely petrified as to how this will all go down, but it needs to happen. Of that, I'm sure.

And I am quitting the Book of Faces. It's true. Many are, understandably, saddened by this. My little family is not NOT awesome and popular, and our friends and family want to be in the loop. We totally get that. So I am making a commitment to blog regularly and find other ways to share details and updates and pics of us with those we love. We'll make it happen. I promise. But Facebook is just something I need to cut from my life right now, for me. I will miss many aspects of it, especially being able to easily connect with our loved ones, but I am confident we can make up for it in other ways.

So there you have it. The first of (hopefully) many regular posts to come. Please consider subscribing to the blog so you can receive updates regarding new posts. I really think it'll be the best way to keep in touch for the time being.

To what's next, then, eh? I'm sure it'll be pretty kickass, regardless of the form it takes.

I mean, this is us, right?

How could it not?

(Yes, it's true--on occasion I am a tad full of myself. Full disclosure, and all.)